When life is warm and your heart is
light, when the nights seem to glow and everything wrong in life seems right,
the simple thumps of your heart blast out vibrations of passion, stupid silly
faces to encourage the laughter, the pitter patter of little feet creeping in
the morning, hearing the whispers, “Uncle Dean, Are you awake?” Passed out
mouth open from partying the night before, one foot out the bed, hand dangling
to the floor, I crack my eyes open and see three sets of eyes looking….The cat
with her huge peepers, purring and engaging my hand for a head rub, the boys
take her away so happy she’s a cute kitty….Love, something that left my heart
for a few years, it’s starting to return but in a different form….
You
see, my relationship left me a little upset and angry, confused at why it ended
when I thought everything was splendid, leaving me winded she left me, she just
couldn’t accept me, and I couldn’t accept we, she, needed to hold down herself,
she has a munchkin, she has problems arising in her own life, I finally
understood why she couldn’t be my wife….life got weird, re-runs of friends and George Lopez as I
stared at the television staring at me, feeling winded with my eyes closed
tears hit my pillow, had to face people at work with a smile but inside a
broken window…..I got kind of quiet, ears closed, eyes open, so when people
would speak I would lip sync with my arms open, waiting for a hug my oxytocin
was low….even though we didn’t break it off completely, we still saw each other
discretely…..
As
the dark love begin to fade, the dark just stayed, and when you’re in the dark,
the last thing you need is, people asking you, what’s wrong and let’s talk….you
know that folks care, but talking about what hurts doesn’t help, it only makes you
focus on what’s hurting and I’m trying to get well. So my silence remained and
the rain distained my brain, foofaraw comments kept replaying over until it
started to gain, momentum in my life it appeared I did not care, on my college
graduation day I didn’t bother to comb my hair, stuffed under my cap I walked
to receive my diploma, my outfit was fly but inside no emotion. A time to
celebrate but it was robbed by love, the irony of it all the women I love
showed up to the stadium…..and at that moment, I saw my parents, who loved me
no matter what…even if I wore white Air force ones on that stage they didn’t
care, but as we turned to toss our cap and walk to the back, I saw her in her a
blue dress and the crowd got quiet; her face lit up and her daughter’s did too,
the two loves of my life smiling and proud I made it through, was better than
the diploma, the joy in her eyes I will always remember that moment, she
cheered me on loudly like if nothing had changed, it was like we stepped back
two years but the future was re-arranged.
The
sun shined brightly on her hair she was radiant, the crowd seemed to disappear
and I can see her waving clearly at me…….we met each other outside and her hug
was the sweetest thing, like a diabetic with low blood sugar I ravished rushed
her energy, her sweet tone meshed with, I mean that sweet bone met my, leaping
heart, she squeezed me tight, I squeezed back holding her like all the nights,
holding her tight, we kissed and locked eyes, held hands, “mini-me” in the
middle, her sweet big smile, I could kiss her baby face with short kisses, her
big cheeks, her laughter was a happy bomb of bliss, an explosion of joy, a
moment of love, my daughter from
another, but our souls signified she was mine….in that moment, time stood still,
like I could walk out from that moment and put the current me in that
situation, and put the hurt me in the now moment, because the love I feel
today, would’ve healed the past and concealed our wrath, and the past wouldn’t
be today, more like a nightmare, a mere thought, just a joke, mirror's and smoke....
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