Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The man period

As I wake up in the morning feeling groggy and tired, this feeling of irritableness consumes my body. I lie in the bed and hit snooze. I fall asleep and I get interrupted by my bladder. I hop out of my warm bed and rush to the restroom and both my hands are asleep. I get to the restroom and now I’m squirming back and forth; I have stiff hands and a stiff dick, how is this going to work!?! I hit my hands on the sink. I feel the tingling feeling; my hands are slowly starting to wake up but my bladder is sending threatening signals saying, “empty now”! it’s like my body is having a race and my bladder is beginning to win. I dance back and forth. Fuck it. My bladder won. I have a problem. I have a hard on and my hands aren’t fully awake. I stand in this awkward, ass out position trying to pee. I’m peeing and it’s starting to hurt because I’m bending my dick so it doesn’t pop up in my face and spray piss everywhere. My hands, slowly taking their time to wake up and BAM! There it goes, lost my fucking grip; pissed on the toilet seat, some on the floor, and some on my foot, almost got the cat, run Bizzy RUN! Oh fuck this morning.

Standing there aiming back at the bowl, my hands finally start to get feeling and my junk begins to settle down and my piss stream starts to dwindle. I grab some alcohol wipes from my room, wipe the toilet down, wipe the floor down, and wash my foot. Fuck this morning. I’m running late and I was already--- (Pain shoots through my stomach) what the fuck was that? Oh great, I’m gassy and got a stomach cramp. That’s awesome. I don’t have time for this shit body literally, I don’t have time for this shit. I gargle some mouth wash and brush my teeth, wash my face and take a quick bird bath. I run into my room, get dressed, and rush out the house. I’m mad, I’m grumpy, I’m grouchy, “Dean Can you do me a favor?” NO! “EW what’s wrong with you?” I’m on my man period! Everyone is annoying me and everything is getting on my nerve, even the person I’m waiting to help, standing in line breathing heavy is bothering me, seriously, if you would just lose some fucking we ---Dean, come on really, stop thinking mean thoughts. Gosh, you can be such a bitch when the man period shows up I think to myself. 

Walking around feeling bloated, I began to think I feel like a fat blue berry wearing a navy shirt; of all color’s I decide to wear blue. I feel like the girl in the Willy Wonka movie; luckily we have flatbeds in case they need to roll me out of the store. Oh these stomach cramps, fuck I have to take a shit. I run to the restroom and like God playing a cruel joke on me, “Carry out to the front please” I walk in the restroom and walk out at the same time cursing under my breathe, “On my way!” With an attitude, I walk back to the front and smile at the lazy fat man needing help with some water I just saw him lift himself when he was line. 

There goes that attitude. Everyone is on my shit list right now because my man period has me in a bad mood and my body doesn’t want to act right, my stomach hurts, I want to shit but I think I’m constipated, I feel fat, fuck this guy stinks, I’m sleepy, tired, angry, grouchy, irritated, annoyed and to top it off, after lifting all that heavy crap, it made my stomach hurt and now I’m hungry. Just great, I’m hungry with a bloated stomach. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. This morning has been brought you by mental Kotex; the mental tampon for men. On those days when you have a heavy flow of unbalanced hormones, take the “fuck it all” pill and everything shall be ok. I laugh. I run to the restroom and tell my manager be back I really have to go. 

The pure bliss of release, I sit there. I smile for the first time this morning. The angels are singing, the birds are chirping louder and the smell of shit has never smelled so great; not really, it was stinky, but the cramps were gone, the bloated feeling left my body and finally, I felt kind of normal. It was great. After I did all of my business, I felt a tad normal. Still a little irritated because of the morning, it began to slowly wear off and began to return to normal. The man period was starting to lift and everyone was safe again; no more looking at people crazy, no more bloating, and feeling like a fat, fatty blueberry, no more “fuck off” attitude. I was feeling great. Then my stomach growls something vicious. Great, lunch time isn’t for another four hours. I hope I don’t get “hangry”. (A cross between hungry and angry) =)



  1. You sure made me laughing with this post. :D
    My favorite 2 lines were:
    This morning has been brought you by mental Kotex; the mental tampon for men.
    and take the “fuck it all” pill and everything shall be ok.

  2. I'm glad that made you laugh Angie! =) I wanted people to laugh at this post. I wrote this the same day I was having my manstrual cycle. At the end of the day, I was recapping my day and was thinking about how many moods I went through in one day. It was truly a roller coaster. lol. Thank you for commenting! =)